Friday, June 01, 2007

Guest post from H - more Rules on being with Flenker

(Note from Flenker: Today's post comes from H of Random Mindless Rambling and As the Coffee Brews. Enjoy!)

Hi! Welcome to Flenker’s life. As a part of Flenker’s life you will have to understand that me and my boyfriend, Bill, are going to be a big part of your life from here on out. Because of that, before things get too serious you’re going to have to prove to me that you’re legit. Here are a few of the qualifications that you will have to meet. Don’t worry if you don’t meet all of them; it just means that you’re supremely inadequate. Good luck!

¨ First impressions are everything. How you look is damned important, but so is how you act. I will not tolerate any of the following:

o Scrunchies.

o Clothes that are ill-fitting. If you can’t fit into your skinny jeans, please don’t wear them; no one wants to see your muffin top. Or your ass crack. And please throw away any shirt so tight that I can see the definition of any roll of fat you might have. I’m not asking you to be a waif, I’m just asking that you please not wear clothes that don’t fit you. If they once fit you and you’re holding out hope, put them in the closet and get back on the treadmill. Thank you.

o Exposed midriffs. (Exception: if we are at the beach and you are wearing a bikini).

o Bad posture.

o Acting like a complete bitch.

o Bad grammar.

¨ If you pass the First Impression test (and if you don’t, try not to take it too personally; not many girls do) you will then continue to be judged until I decide that I Like You. This could happen in just a few minutes, or it could take a few weeks before I decide that I Like You completely. If it hasn’t happened after a few meetings, it’s doubtful that it’s ever going to happen; there’s something about you that Just Isn’t To Be Trusted. Again, don’t take it personally, I just have my good friend’s best interests at heart, and you aren’t a part of them.

¨ Things you will have to know about to pass my test:

o Sports. You don’t have to be a sports expert, but you can’t walk in with absolutely no sports knowledge and expect to leave with my friend Flenker on your arm. Basic knowledge of baseball, basketball, and football is a must. However, DON’T act like you know everything about sports if you don’t. Ask questions.

o One of my guilty pleasures is partaking in a little bit of celebrity gossip from time to time. However, do not mention the following:

§ Jessica Alba/Jessica Biel. I just don’t care.

§ Jennifer Love Hewitt.

§ Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Hillary Duff. I don’t care if Lindsay is doing coke and Paris is going to jail. I don’t care that Lindsay and Hillary are friends again (the only reason I know this is that it was a CNN headline – seriously).

o Politics. If you’ve made it to the H screening this means that you’re past the Initial Flenker Screen and are a confirmed liberal (or at the very least, moderate). Again, I’m not asking you to be an expert, but you should be able to hold your own in a political discussion should the topic arise.

¨ In the name of all that is good and holy, please, don’t be an idiot. If I can’t carry on an intelligent conversation with you, it’s all over. While I might be random (always), mindless (sometimes), and rambling (often), I do like to think that I am a person of a fairly high level of intellect.

¨ On the other hand, no one likes a Know-it-All.

¨ Don’t talk about math. I hate math. I suck at math. Don’t make fun of me when we’re at a restaurant and the check comes and I take out my phone to use the “EZ Tip Calculator.”

¨ You can’t be too self-involved.

¨ High-maintenance is also a no-no. I like to primp and preen as much as the next girl, but I also don’t like to wait for three hours waiting for someone to “find an outfit” or “put on makeup” or “get ready” to go to the bar.

¨ Tequila drinkers get bonus points. I like a girl I can throw back a shot with.

¨ If you have a stupid name or spell it in a stupid way, it’s going to take a lot for me to overcome that. You’re going to have to be damn special to overlook the fact that your name is “Realitee.” (Note: I actually have encountered a person with that name, spelled that way.) I realize that you can’t help it that your parents were idiots, and I apologize for your lineage and wish Flenker the best of luck with your family. If you make it that far.

Good luck!


Flenker said...

Thanks H! Excellent post

Marin said...

Hmm, should Mr. Flenker have told me something I don't know? Is he now actively looking for some one? I also have standards for him, similar to H's, but I have to detract from H: Flenker himself does not do anything in the name of anything 'good and holy' he has his own agnostic moral code.

Hannita said...

Mentally checking off most of that list... (loooove tequilla)
H - I think we could date! I mean, if you liked to date girls (and I liked to date girls) and were willing to give Bill the heave-ho.

I so wouldn't pass the initial Flenker screening though.

Also, knew a girl named Lasagna. My friend who dated her also dated a girl named Aquanette. No, really, it's all true.

whiskeymarie said...

I have to wonder, how often does a lady-sort make the cut? Is it like "American Idol" to pass the test, or is it more like getting into an Ivy-league school?
I wish my friends would have had higher standards back when I was dating. Usually, for them, cute, drunk, and marginally employed seemed to be the only criteria.

H said...

Oh, employment -- that's a topic that I didn't cover. I might have to write an addendum to this at some point. I smell another guest post coming on!

My girlfriends' standards consist of a test that we created called "What is Your Favorite?" We used to ask people in high school and now use it on the guys that our friends are dating. Common questions include "What is your favorite shape? What is your favorite color?" You can learn a lot about people by using these tests.

Hannita -- I think you would pass the initial screening. I read your blog, so you already pass the "good grammar" test. I'm sure you don't have bad posture, you definitely aren't a complete bitch, and as long as you're keeping your girls in your shirt (I should have mentioned something about the overuse of cleavage -- a little is okay, too much...eek) you're in good shape.

the crab said...

About this:

"until I decide that I Like You. This could happen in just a few minutes, or it could take a few weeks before I decide that I Like You completely."

Having known H just about longer than anyone I'm still not sure!

a said...

Thank God we're related and you have to like me! haha! Oh wait. . . I know cousins you don't like. . .we're good then!

lucy said...

You're scary, H... we have similar First Impression Rules, but I doubt my passing potential.

On names -- my mom knew this guy: Shithead. pronounced Shih-theed, of course. But still. wtf.

Oh. And my mom's good friend named her daughter Rinneea. She doubled letters to ensure correct pronunciation. Who cares. Either way you look at it, it sounds like a parasite.

Flenker said...

Really, I'm not actively looking for someone. This was just a clever topic, or so I thought, and went with it. Marin, perhaps you should do the next guest post. I think you should.

whiskeymarie - first off, welcome to TPoL! secondly, a lady-sort does not make "the cut" very often, but for a multitude of reasons. I'd like to think I have high standards, though. And a basic general fear of talking to said lady-sorts.

The Crab - always good to see you around. Let me know when you're coming through the IC next, we'll get some beers and sushi.

Everyone else - funny names are funny!

Hideous said...

H & F-

I would be hard-pressed to come up with anyone Flenker could date...those are incredibly lofty demands...

I'll be on the lookout, though... I have to tell you that it's going to be difficult to find a woman who is well dressed, has a stellar figure, and is really intelligent who isn't a complete bitch... There are actually a lot of combinations in your list that are going to be difficult to accommodate.

(If you were wondering, I would never make the cut... Not even the first round...)


Marin said...

Minty- Maybe you should meet me, the GOLD STANDARD, no no, I don't really think that highly of myself or my figure but I am definitely not a complete bitch.