Hi! Welcome to Flenker’s life. As a part of Flenker’s life you will have to understand that me and my boyfriend, Bill, are going to be a big part of your life from here on out. Because of that, before things get too serious you’re going to have to prove to me that you’re legit. Here are a few of the qualifications that you will have to meet. Don’t worry if you don’t meet all of them; it just means that you’re supremely inadequate. Good luck!
¨ First impressions are everything. How you look is damned important, but so is how you act. I will not tolerate any of the following:
o Clothes that are ill-fitting. If you can’t fit into your skinny jeans, please don’t wear them; no one wants to see your muffin top. Or your ass crack. And please throw away any shirt so tight that I can see the definition of any roll of fat you might have. I’m not asking you to be a waif, I’m just asking that you please not wear clothes that don’t fit you. If they once fit you and you’re holding out hope, put them in the closet and get back on the treadmill. Thank you.
o Exposed midriffs. (Exception: if we are at the beach and you are wearing a bikini).
o Bad posture.
o Acting like a complete bitch.
o Bad grammar.
¨ If you pass the First Impression test (and if you don’t, try not to take it too personally; not many girls do) you will then continue to be judged until I decide that I Like You. This could happen in just a few minutes, or it could take a few weeks before I decide that I Like You completely. If it hasn’t happened after a few meetings, it’s doubtful that it’s ever going to happen; there’s something about you that Just Isn’t To Be Trusted. Again, don’t take it personally, I just have my good friend’s best interests at heart, and you aren’t a part of them.
¨ Things you will have to know about to pass my test:
o Sports. You don’t have to be a sports expert, but you can’t walk in with absolutely no sports knowledge and expect to leave with my friend Flenker on your arm. Basic knowledge of baseball, basketball, and football is a must. However, DON’T act like you know everything about sports if you don’t. Ask questions.
o One of my guilty pleasures is partaking in a little bit of celebrity gossip from time to time. However, do not mention the following:
§ Jessica Alba/Jessica Biel. I just don’t care.
§ Jennifer Love Hewitt.
§ Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Hillary Duff. I don’t care if Lindsay is doing coke and Paris is going to jail. I don’t care that Lindsay and Hillary are friends again (the only reason I know this is that it was a CNN headline – seriously).
o Politics. If you’ve made it to the H screening this means that you’re past the Initial Flenker Screen and are a confirmed liberal (or at the very least, moderate). Again, I’m not asking you to be an expert, but you should be able to hold your own in a political discussion should the topic arise.
¨ In the name of all that is good and holy, please, don’t be an idiot. If I can’t carry on an intelligent conversation with you, it’s all over. While I might be random (always), mindless (sometimes), and rambling (often), I do like to think that I am a person of a fairly high level of intellect.
¨ On the other hand, no one likes a Know-it-All.
¨ Don’t talk about math. I hate math. I suck at math. Don’t make fun of me when we’re at a restaurant and the check comes and I take out my phone to use the “EZ Tip Calculator.”
¨ You can’t be too self-involved.
¨ High-maintenance is also a no-no. I like to primp and preen as much as the next girl, but I also don’t like to wait for three hours waiting for someone to “find an outfit” or “put on makeup” or “get ready” to go to the bar.
¨ Tequila drinkers get bonus points. I like a girl I can throw back a shot with.
¨ If you have a stupid name or spell it in a stupid way, it’s going to take a lot for me to overcome that. You’re going to have to be damn special to overlook the fact that your name is “Realitee.” (Note: I actually have encountered a person with that name, spelled that way.) I realize that you can’t help it that your parents were idiots, and I apologize for your lineage and wish Flenker the best of luck with your family. If you make it that far.