Unified Theory of Flenker, phase the third (in which I realize my dancing problems, and therefore, life)

Weekend before last, I was in Iowa City for the wedding of two friends. I've known them both for a long time, it was a wonderful ceremony, on a beautiful day. Here's a picture of me and the groom from years and years ago

(That's the perfect picture, right? Yeah.)

So it was a good time. And I was looking like the money.

(I'm bringing back hats and suspenders. Trust me)

Anyways, I digress. There was drinking, and there was dancing. Of course there was, it was a wedding. Now, I'm sure many of you who actually know me know that I don't take to dancing very frequently or very well at all. I did this night, because come on, I had to. The usual slow stuff, where you just sort of transfer your weight from one leg to the other. No problem. But it got me thinking (after my head cleared a few days later), anything outside of that, I'm pretty clueless. Then, yesterday, it hit me. I know who to blame. Misters John Linnell and John Flansburgh.

Exhibit A:

In my "formative years," I was kind of dorky. To put it lightly. I flipped out at the episode of Tiny Toons that featured two They Might Be Giants songs. I didn't talk to girls, instead I played Zelda. I went to a total of 0 dances throughout high school and my rather extensive college career. Most of my friends are also inept at the art of talking to females (sorry pals, you know it's true), and few have married, so there were never many opportunities for me to dance. And so, I learned solo. Anyone who has seen me dance can attest, I look like the fellow in black in this video (appearance about 22 seconds in, then again at 1:11 [my birthday is 1/11!!!! coincidence? I'm drunk]).

Now, being a "musician," I have an excellent sense of rhythm (apparently not an excellent sense of how to spell rhythm, THANK YOU SPELL CHECK). This actually does help, to an extent. It's more of the "where" and the "why" for my extremities. I'm sure there's video evidence of this somewhere out there, and if you have any, send it my way, I swear I'll post it here. I have no shame.

So yeah. My early influence in moving my body to the music were these guys

And as much as I loved them (and really love them still), I never stood a chance.

(OK, I think I had bigger plans for this one, I think. It's a good start. But I had a bottle of Seagram's gin that was opened, so I had to finish it before it went bad!)

Also, this is post #400. What a wild trail we've blazed, friends. I'd have a little speech prepared, but feel that it would be a little cheap, since we haven't spent much time together over the last, oh, year or two. But thank you for hanging around, if indeed you are hanging around. Maybe I'll get a little retrospective put together, but just be patient with me. I'm still finding my stride.

Unified Theory of Flenker, phase the second (the drooling dog comparison)

I'm taking a little break here on trying to catch up on the new seasons of Entourage and The Office. A rough, exciting life I'm leading lately. But in my busy, busy, busy recent days (read: sitting around in my underwear until around noon), I've been reflecting a little more, because that what people do in those situations, right? Well, it's lead me to the second part of the Universal Theory of Flenker: The Drooling Dog Comparison

This actually came up in a conversation a month or two ago, about how I handle myself in social situation. My actions were aptly likened to the many different types of drooling dogs one can encounter.

First is the normal, hound-dog drooler. This dog just kind hangs out, looks around, and doesn't really do too much moving around. He's just drooling because that's what he does. He's comfortable, but doesn't really feel like putting too much effort into anything at all. He's just fine with the way things are, and appreciates any attention thrown his way, but won't be put out if none is given. And really, the hound-dog is just there for the food.

Second up is the excited puppy. Now this little guy doesn't quite know what's going on around him, but whatever it is, he likes. He can't quite control himself, all of these things are new to him, so he's looking around, all over the place, trying to let everyone know (at the same time) that things are fun! He's running around, saying hi to everyone and everything he sees, and while he may be getting slobber all over the place, people think it's cute and don't really mind him being under leg all the time. People enjoy the excited puppy, and like having him around. He's a happy pup.

Next is the old, decrepit dog. No one really wants this guy around, but will put up with him, and occasionally will try to make him feel welcome. This old dog does not care about feeling welcome, in fact, he wants everyone to know that he doesn't really want to be there, but doesn't have too much of a say in things. He drools, but doesn't really know it, and really doesn't care. He won't do anything to help his situation because he doesn't want to put in the effort. His hips hurt, he doesn't get around too much, and he likes it that way. He's cranky, irritable, and sometimes a little smelly.

Finally, there's the dog that drools because he just lapped up a lot of water, some of it made it in the mouth, but most of it is on his jowls and basically everywhere else. I don't really know if I need to elaborate too much more on this one, jump to your own conclusions.

So yeah. Most of the time, I'm an excited puppy, happy to be places. Sometimes I'm the hound-dog, content to just chill and enjoy myself, but not running around and causing a ruckus. Very occasionally I can be the old dog that doesn't want to enjoy himself, and I'll just be a pain in the ass all night long for anyone tending to me. The fourth guy can kind of fit in with the others, I think any of them can end up there eventually.

Look for the next installment of the Unified Theory of Flenker, where I delve into the observations I've made on couples. Good times!

I'd go the whole wide world, I'd go the whole wide world just to find her

You know that scene from Stranger Than Fiction, the one where Harold Crick plays the guitar in Ana Pascal's apartment? This one:



That's such a great scene, and a great song. I can't really speak from experience if the whole guitar playing schtick works for picking up the girls, I've only played guitar for one girl (in a non-lesson setting [yes, I've given guitar lessons. I'm not that great at guitar, but since I'm going into music education and all, I can teach it well enough. Currently I'm just giving saxophone lessons, at which I am considerably better]), and that was well after the "seducing" part of the relationship had passed. It still served its purpose, though, so take it as you will. As Dan le Sac said, "Thou shalt not use poetry, art, or music to get into girls' pants. Use it to get into their heads." I had never though of it that way until I heard that line, and liked it a lot. Now if I only knew how to do that, I'd be set, right? Not too sure on that one yet.

For some reason, this song has been stuck in my head for the past, oh, week. I don't know why it started or anything like that (I haven't watched the movie for over a month, since I was in Minneapolis), if it has any sort of subconcious meaning. My mind is just playing tricks on me, and continues to do so by making me over think everything. I've got a bastard for a mind. It serves me well most of the time, but then every once in a while it likes to screw me over.

I really should be going to bed right now, but can't seem to make my way over there. I've been kind of thinking about this post all day long, about what I wanted to say, and none of it really came together like I wanted. So maybe there will be a more in-depth post in the near future. I'm thinking there will be a new phase to the Unified Theory of Flenker. But for now, enjoy the song, enjoy the night, and just enjoy life in general. Why the hell not?

Unified Theory of Flenker, phase the first (Tragic Flaw)

First off, I'm going to pretend that Haley didn't send me an email today stating that "It would be the perfect breakfast if they had had Sunny D," (I mean, come on, Sunny D? Really?) and then followed it up with an email containing the line "I used to really like the Goo Goo Dolls." I'm sorry I'm airing this publicly, Haley, but it has to be said. Sunny D and the Goo Goo Dolls suck. They always have. I'm sorry. You don't suck, though. We all have our faults. Even me (I had a flat-top haircut in the third grade, spent most of the prime "social" high school years alternating between playing a Star Wars-based collectible card game and sitting at home talking to the same friends I had just hung out with on ICQ with the hopes that we'd chat with some girls, and spent three-and-a-half years in Ames, IA). But none of those faults define who I am. My Tragic Flaw, however, is always lurking in my life.

Much like Hamlet, I have the inability to act without over thinking everything. Some may say that I am too indecisive, but this is just an extension of contemplation without action. And this has related directly to the stress I've been feeling lately, and is responsible for my quick turn around from ecstatic to reflective to ennui and anxiousness. I'm not saying that I should just make a decision on where I should move on a whim, but if I read too deeply into a possible city, I can convince myself that there isn't one better than another. Which will lead to me not doing anything, just letting the status quo remain. Every once in a while, I need to just act upon my impulses. Had I done this a few days ago, I'd probably be in a totally different mood right now, and would have a total different outlook on the (near) future.

And there's a major part of my problem; I recognize it, I can reflect on different choices I should've made, different things I should've said, almost immediately after missing my chance. It doesn't make for a happy Chris. Hence, my recent disposition. I'm working on that, though, and will hopefully do something in the coming days to greatly improve my mood. That's not to say that I will be totally happy soon, but also not saying that I'm extremely unhappy right now. I'm just kind of frustrated with the way things have gone, which has lead to a general malaise.

Normally I'm not this much of a downer or anything, I'm more upbeat and what have you. I think tonight is just a random coincidence of a lot of things happening (or not happening) at once, combined with a couple of beers and a Friday night spent at home on the internet. That's the way it goes, sometimes. But trust me, the Unified Theory of Flenker will not always be some attempt at a deep reflection or me bitching myself out. No, I will (at least attempt to) be humorous, thoughtful, and entertaining. And mostly sober. mostly

In the next installment of the UTF, drooling dogs!

Thoughts on a Friday night

So I wasn't able to post a music recommendation today, consider it a holiday, it took Good Friday off. Maybe I'll put something up this weekend, or maybe not.

I've had a few things that I've said I would post, then haven't, like my "All-Smiles" list, my people observations, and a few things that I've thought about writing but haven't gotten it down into words in a way that I like (like comparing my general awkwardness with strangers to different types of slobbering dogs, trust me, it'll make sense once I get it together). And it seems to me that everything is related, and it's kind of dawning on me, a Unified Theory of Flenker. It's so close to coming together, I don't know what I'm looking for to break it open, though. I have my ideas, but I need to put them in motion before they can be described. Just know that it's out there, lurking. But for now, I'm off to the Java House. Hypothesizing can wait.