On dating, with Flenker and H

Yesterday I picked up a pair of knitting needles and some yarn. My plan is twofold. First off, I think it'd be awesome to make something to wear. My first project, I've decided, is a scarf. Really straight-forward and simple. Next, a pair of socks. After that, maybe some underwear. I don't know how comfortable those would be, but they'd be a hell of a conversation starter (yes, I frequently talk about my underwear with people. You'd be surprised by how many people have actually seen me in them. But that's another story).

The second reason behind my acquisition of the needles is the real ingenious part of the plan: for the girls.

I have it all figured out, you see. A girl will see me knitting (once I'm comfortable to do it in public. people will be talking), and ask me about it. I'll reply with, "yeah, I figured I may as well guarantee that I'll never touch a girl again and took this up." She'll either feel sorry for me (in which case I'm in), or she'll laugh and realize that I have a ridiculously awesome sense of humor. And they'll be intrigued. They'll see it as a challenge, and maybe think I'm "sensitive." And what girl wouldn't want a hand-knit somethingorother for Valentine's Day? Even if it's just a pot holder the first time around, she knows that I'll improve, and be making her that bikini top that she wants for next year.

Don't just take my word on it, though. I've run this by my crack team of analysts, and it checks out. Don't believe me? Here's H with her thoughts.

I think Flenker may be onto something with this knitting thing. Dating today has gotten so complicated; with the advent of cellular phones and text messaging, dating Web sites such as eHarmony, and those pesky STD tests, many folks long for the simple dating ways of yesteryear.

First of all, there’s so much confusion surrounding relationship statuses. When you first meet someone and are certainly “into them” but have only been on a handful of dates, what are you? Are you seeing each other? Are you dating? Bringing it up would only create a domino effect and presumably send the guy (or commitment-phobic girl, I don’t mean to create stereotypes here) running for the hills; no one wants to have that “So, what are we, exactly?” talk too early on. But once it’s been established that two people are together, it doesn’t get any easier. You’re in a relationship…until you “go on a break” or “take some time apart.” One person can call the other their boyfriend or girlfriend, while the other may introduce their partner as their “special friend” or “significant other.” And you may still have one person who just can’t commit to committing, who, in a committed relationship they may be, refuse to call their partner anything at all. In cases such as these, the other partner may be delighted to hear the response “I assumed I would be doing whatever you’re doing” to the question “What did you have planned for Easter?”¹

But back in the day, there was no such confusion. First the man would ask the woman on the date; if all went well, the man would ask the woman to go steady; and finally, the man would ask the woman to marry him. First you had a date, then you went steady, then you got married. It was as simple as that. If things weren’t going to work out, one party would politely break up with the other, in person; perhaps the very wealthy and sophisticated would toss a martini in someone’s face if things ended on a sour note. There was no leaving people hanging by not returning phone calls (especially in the days before Alexander Graham Bell opened that can of worms), no “We were on a break” a la Ross and Rachel, and no dumping people via e-mail or, worse, text message².

Yes, those were simpler, happier times. We need to bring back the dating ideals of the days of yore, and I think Flenker’s idea to start knitting is a savvy one. In this age of technology, people can seem cold and impersonal. All the virtual interaction that has replaced regular human contact has trained people to talk to machines and not other humans. Men should do something that humanizes them, that brings out their softer side, and knitting seems like the perfect way to go about this. One might be inclined to use poetry, but poetry is a slippery slope; unless you claim “Poet” as your occupation when filing your tax return, poetry should be used sparingly as to avoid creating the impression that you are trying too hard. Knitting makes it look like you are not trying at all. In fact, it makes it look like you are trying to repel women. This will create an aura of mystery and intrigue, like a tractor beam sucking the ladies right in. You will be deemed “intense, but sensitive.” Isn’t that what every man wants?

¹ This actually just happened to someone I know.

² After a friend recently dumped his girlfriend over the phone, we were discussing the worst possible ways to break up with someone. Over the phone was rated the fourth worst way to dump someone, preceded by text message, instant message, and e-mail.

I was actually "dumped" by someone via email. But, it was one of those "dating" relationships, where neither of us were sure if we were "boyfriend/girlfriend." Well, I guess she was sure when she sent the email. Added on top of that was the fact that it was a long-distance "relationship." When you're not sure what the status of the relationship is, and there are more than 10 miles between the two parties, chances are there's not much of a relationship there. It would've been nice for someone to tell me that 10 years ago. Hell, it would've been nice to remember that 2 months ago. Live and learn and forget and relearn I guess.

Now that I'm out of school and not working, I have no idea how to meet people. This isn't necessarily going for just meeting girls, either, but making "buddies," too. For today's purposes, though, we'll stick with finding dates.

I've never been big on the bar scene, contrary to how it may come off here. I like going and hanging out with friends and having a good time, but the only times I've ever met anyone at a bar have been when I'm pretty smashed and start randomly talking to people. Most of the time I get the "get this drunk ass away from me" look. If the other party is drunk enough, then a barely coherent conversation will take place, and that's usually the extent of it. I'm not one to ask for phone numbers, or to make "after hours" plans, especially now in my "older" age. Besides, do I really think a lasting relationship will be founded at a bar? (note: this only pertains to myself. I'm sure plenty of people have met the love of their life at a bar. I just don't see it happening for me) So where can the Flenker find love? Here's what I've come up with:

1. Bookstore - meet someone that likes to read, and if things go well, can impress someone with my book collection and vast knowledge. Plus, there's a chance she might wear glasses.
2. Coffee shop - as long as it's not Starbucks or something like that, it's probably a cooler person, someone who likes to hang out but in a relaxed manner. Baristas, though, you have to watch out for. You never know what they're thinking
3. Music store - again, at an independent place. And could be touchy, you might not like the same bands, which could doom a relationship from the start. Or, it could be a ticket in, educating each other about different music. In my relationships, it's usually me educating the girl, I kind of dominate that role.
4. Grocery store - I've heard it's a good place to meet people, especially "organic" places. I guess I could see that.

The problem now becomes actually talking to people at these places. It's one thing if you see someone over and over again, but a totally different ballgame to go in upon first meeting or even glance.

Flenker, I think you’re thinking a bit too modernly. We need you to take a step back in time. You could meet girls at the:

1. Bookstore. I’ll leave that one on there, as people have been reading as long as there’s been papyrus to write on. I think you might be onto something there. As always, avoid women you may see in the self-help aisle. Look for them in the cookbook aisle instead.
2. Coffee shop. Okay, I’ll leave that on there as well, since a coffee shop is an ideal place to sit quietly, reflect and…knit. That’s right, I suggest you break out the needles at your neighborhood Brews Brothers or similar. Just be extra careful not to spill – that cardigan you’re knitting may be given to your newfound beloved, and even she doesn’t want a coffee stain reminder of the first time you met.
3. Music store – the kind of music store where you go to buy strings for your banjo. She will be there playing her harp. Just trust me on this.
4. Instead of the grocery store, think farmer’s market. Once the weather gets warmer, that is. Some girl may impress you with her candied yams.

Ahh, much thanks H. Your valuable insight should prove successful. A farmer's market, of course!! Also, my banjo is in need of some new strings, and I can't find my finger picks, so there's another opportunity right there!

I guess this shows that clothing isn't the only thing that should be retro. Everyone says how much simpler things were in "the good old days," so what better way to employ that thinking than in the dating venue? Simplify. I guess it's that easy. Well, as easy as things get in the dating world.

A tale of an event that hasn't happend (yet) -or- Whiskey and Flenker, a match made in a dirty dirty bar

Sorry for the late post on a Friday night. Like you all had anything else to do anyways, I knew that you wouldn't be able to enjoy your collective selves without having read my blog for the day. Well, you can all relax now, for not only is my blog updated, but it's being updated by the very very lovely WhiskeyMarie!! (sorry, no music today. It's taking the weekend off, but will be back soon.)

*****

Whiskey and Flenker: shaken, not stirred.


(Flenker sits in a dimly lit bar, nursing a beer. She’s late- what else is new? Damn broads. He begins to question his judgment- after all, who meets a total stranger for cocktails at noon on a Tuesday in Iowa?)

(The front door opens. A tallish brunette almost makes it in, but her purse gets caught on the door and she’s jolted back, as if attached to a rubber band. The contents of her purse, including her monogrammed flask and bottle of muscle relaxers, go tumbling to the floor. She curses like a sailor on meth, making the bartender blush. A minute passes, and she manages to compose herself. Only then does Flenker notice that she is wearing two different shoes. He chooses to keep this to himself.)

(She approaches the table.)

“Flenker! Hi! Sorry I’m late by my cat threw up on my first outfit, so I had to change, but then the one pair of jeans didn’t fit right, so I thought maybe I should wear a skirt, but it’s so f**king cold, and I hate tights, and then I’d have to wear boots, and… you know?”

“Um…”

“Holy balls I need a drink. Bartender!”

(She sits down, takes off her coat and settles in. She’s wearing a Loverboy t-shirt, jeans and boots. Her hair is a wavy mess under a stocking cap. Flenker is in jeans and a t-shirt. For some reason he’s wearing pink fuzzy slippers. Don’t ask.)

Flenker breaks the initial silence:

“So, Whiskey- Are you liking Iowa so far? I know it’s cold up there in Minnesota, so at least the weather shouldn’t be so bad for you.”

“Well, I’m thrilled to be in town to celebrate your 1-year blogiversary and post #300! Awesome! But, to be honest- it’s kind of flat here. Kind of windy. But I like it just fine. Very pastoral and serene…Jesus! Who’s a girl gotta blow to get a martini in this joint?” (motions to the flustered bartender. A martini the size of a fishbowl is unceremoniously plopped in front of her. Flenker decides to order a Jameson- make it a double.)

(Flenker clears his throat)

“Um, it sure was nice of you to make the trip down here just to hang out with me, Whiskey. Are there any sights you’d like to see in beautiful Iowa?”

“Well (takes a big gulp out of her drink), I sure would like to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum in the beautiful metropolis of Burr Oak. Did you ever watch that show? Wasn’t Michael Landon dreamy?”

“Uh…sure?” (pounds back his double whiskey in one giant pull wondering what the hell he’s gotten himself into.)

“If you’re not into that, we could go to the Prairie Meadows racetrack and casino in Altoona. We could totally bet on horses and get rich! Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

“I’m in if you’re buying.”

“Of course I am, Flenker. My treat. You just get the drinks, o.k?” (Finishes her drink, motions for another. Flenker does the same.)

“Drinks? With you? With me paying?” (He starts hyperventilating.)

“Don’t worry- we totally have time to sell one of your kidneys before we go. I hear it’s not painful at all with all of the modern medical advancements. Trust me.”

“O.k., Whiskey. How could I ever not trust you?”

“Great! Let’s celebrate with shots! A “Dirty Girl Scout” for me, “Three Wise Men” for you. Bartender! Keep ‘em coming!”

(Shots are downed, several more rounds are ordered. It is nearly dark outside as the two stagger out the door of the bar many hours later.)

“Hey Flenkerrrr. Lesh go to to ‘nuther barrrr. I want sum margerritaaaass.” (starts singing loudly) “Wastinnnn way ‘gin on margerrrrrriitttaaaaaaaaaaaville..”

“Hey! Wishkey. Come here. Let me tell you a seeeecret.” (leans in close to her hear)

“Beeeelllccchhhhhhhhhhh!”

“Hahahahhhaahhahaha! Fenker- you so crazy!”

(The two stumble off, forever friends. This night will be remembered fondly as: The night in which Whiskey accidentally married the president of the Blue Oyster Cult fan club and Flenker woke up in a trailer with two monkeys and no pants.)

(Flenker will also make a new rule for himself after this fateful evening:
Never drink whiskey with Whiskey ever again. Ever. Damn. Those monkeys followed him around for two months and threatened to post the pictures on the internet.)

(Damn monkeys)

*****

WM, thank you so very much! You know you are always welcome down in these parts. And in Iowa! It's amazing how well you know me, especially the waking up with no pants part. That happens more often than not, unfortunately it's never been with anyone else, monkeys or no.

And what the hell, here comes some music, courtesy of a recommendation of Captain Crab. Play the video, then re-read Whiskey's post, and imagine the band playing at the bar. It works on so many levels!



Have a hell of a damn weekend, folks!

Guest Post: Jad from Canada! (and Three Pints and a Towel!)

You know how I've been saying that there was going to be a special post coming up? Well, this is it! I'm honored to have exchanged guests posts with Jad from Three Pints and a Towel, one of my first "blog friends" that I made, and a blog that I always look to for some excellent music. I suggest everyone else do the same. But without further ado, let's let Jad take it away!

*****

Dear Blogosphere:

I seem to be going through a quarter-life crisis.

We seem to hear a lot about mid-life crises; a full blown psychological event, they say. Does it really hold a candle to the quarter-life crisis, though? I mean, at least when you're going through your mid-life crisis you have the money to buy a red sports car or fly to Bora Bora. What do itinerant quarter-lifers have? Ramen Noodles and public transportation, that's what.

"Sad Song" - Au Revoir Simone

I have a feeling that many of us bloggers and blog readers are finding ourselves at this very same crossroads - the point at which we finish our formal education and make some sort of attempt at beginning the rest of our lives. We find ourselves ejected from the College womb, bleary-eyed and mostly helpless, expected to fend for ourselves, to become independent.

"The Times They Are A-Changin" - Bob Dylan

Likely, a lot of this has to do with our current culture. We're bombarded with messages of competitive consumerism, we're forced to overeducate ourselves, then we're stuck into jobs which we're vastly overqualified for. Growing up, we're all sure that we'll become rock star astronauts. Why wouldn't we? We're awesome!

"I Was Born A Unicorn" - The Unicorns

Now, with 36 dollars in the bank and large student debts, we're hit with the reality of it all. Gone are the dreams of yesteryear, now replaced with the less glamourous actualities of today. From delusions of grandeur, to feelings of inadequacy - it's a long way to fall. Sadly, we all need to take this trip.

"Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before" - The Smiths

Given the choice, I'm sure most of us would stay students forever. We'd like a family, a house, and a dog, just not quite yet. There seems to be a notion among young people that we'll never turn out like our parents, and, when we start to, it can be pretty terrifying.

"Little Boxes" - Melvina Reynolds

We all deal with this in different ways. Some of us pound the pavement, handing out a hundred resumes a day to disinterested human resources officers. Others run off to Ecuador and live with the native peoples there, in a vain attempt to escape it all. Still others move back home, sleep on the couch until noon all summer, and bum around with their old friends, waiting for NASA to call and offer them the rock star astronaut position they so richly deserve.

"Beautiful Dreamer" - Mates of State

Now, I know this post is coming out a little negative. It's hard to give something like this proper perspective when you're smack in the middle of it. Really, it can be quite disconcerting, but, and this is crucial:

"Don't Panic" - Coldplay

Remember - this is an important phase to go through. We're supposed to start out all doe-eyed and idealistic, and the world is supposed to make us grow up. That's not to say we should become cynical, or hard-hearted. In fact, quite the opposite. I think this little transitory phase between twenty-something student and adult is the perfect time to solidify those fantastic beliefs we've been developing. If we can actually hold on to our ideals, in spite of the world's attempt to jade us, then we'll be able to do some serious good after all.

"To Be Myself Completely" - Belle and Sebastien

So, fellow crisis sufferers, worry not. Not only is this crappy time in your life normal, it's also necessary. Get out there, seize the day, and take the next step with confidence. At least we're still young.

"First Day of My Life" - Bright Eyes

-Jad

---

Big thanks for the opportunity to guest post at PoL go to Flenker. Hope you've enjoyed reading and listening!

Ladies and gentlemen, H!!!!

Once again, here is a very special guest post from Ms. H. She was kind enough to help me out with this celebration, and happens to be marking her 200th post also! So sit back, get a nice cool glass of your favorite beverage, and enjoy! And check out her blog for a very special 201st post over there in the near future. . .

***

February 13th, 2007, was a fateful day for the blogosphere. My good friend Flenker decided to rejoin the Blogger ranks, and started writing a little blog called The Politics of Lonely.

Some of you might question the timing. You might say, H, wasn't February 13th, 2007 the day before your birthday? And I might say, why yes it was! And you might say, H, didn't you start your blog (enter shameless plug for Random Mindless Ramblings here) just three weeks prior? And I might say, why yes I did! And you might say, H, does it bother you that Flenker started his blog the day before your birthday, just three weeks after you yourself started your own blog, and proceeded to not only post with more frequency -- hitting 200 posts two posts before you did -- but also more funnily and with much better quality of writing? And I might say, of course not. I am not at all envious of my friend Flenker's writing skills that are far superior to mine and his wittiness that I clearly do not possess.

Of course, I might also say yes, I am extremely envious of my friend Flenker's far superior writing skills and his wit. Actually, I probably wouldn't say it, but I'd definitely be thinking it.

However, I harbor no hard feelings toward Flenker. He may have followed in my footsteps and then one-upped me in every conceivable way, but it isn't his fault that he's more talented. He's made life much more enjoyable for everyone who's been reading TPoL, including me. I'm very proud of Flenker's work here.

Also, I think it's worth mentioning that I am the eighth most labeled item on TPoL over the past 200 posts, coming in behind Life of Flenker, Music Recommendations, Food, Sports Related, Hawkeyes, Weather, and Baseball.

I'm taking this opportunity as TPoL's 201st post guest blogger to reflect on some of my favorite moments over the past 200 posts.

Most recently, as part of Video Week, Flenker did an entire post of Hawkeye videos including the Iowa fight song, the marching band playing "In Heaven There is no Beer" and Warren Holloway's miracle catch in the 2005 Capital One Bowl. As a Hawkeye fan myself, those videos were special for me, but I think non-Hawkeyes were able to appreciate them as well.

There was the guest post I wrote about qualifications to be with Flenker. You might say, H, aren't you kind of hogging the TPoL glory right now? Shouldn't this be about Flenker? And I might say, it is about Flenker, and let's remember that I was the one who inspired him to start blogging again in the first place.

I loved when Flenker was interviewed by The Boob Lady and she asked him what the first thing he would do if he had boobs. He said that it would probably take him a week to leave the room because he'd be so preoccupied with them. It's funny because it's true.

The Flenker Thumbs Up rating system for movies is one of the greatest things ever invented. I'm disappointed that we haven't seen more of it and hope that there will be more Flenker movie reviews in the future.

Flenker's daily music recommendations have been top notch and have steered me in the direction of some great new music. It is through these music recommendations that I started listening to What Made Milwaukee Famous, among other great bands.

Flenker has written many letters over the past 200 posts -- to Barack Obama, McDonald's, Zach Braff, and others. My favorite of those letters is the letter to the super cute girl sitting across from him at the library. Sadly, nothing ever came of that letter, but keep your chin up, Flenker. There are other super cute fish in the sea.

Also, Flenker has never been afraid to impart other people's wisdom upon us. He shared Satchel Paige's Six Rules on How to Stay Young with us back in February. Take the time to review those if you haven't read them. Take them to heart.

You might say, H, I'm surprised you didn't mention Flenker's Ode to H that he wrote for you way back in April! And I might say, this isn't about me, is it?

Seriously, though, it has been a joy to read The Politics of Lonely over the past 200 posts and am looking forward to 200 more. Congratulations!

Guest post from H - more Rules on being with Flenker

(Note from Flenker: Today's post comes from H of Random Mindless Rambling and As the Coffee Brews. Enjoy!)

Hi! Welcome to Flenker’s life. As a part of Flenker’s life you will have to understand that me and my boyfriend, Bill, are going to be a big part of your life from here on out. Because of that, before things get too serious you’re going to have to prove to me that you’re legit. Here are a few of the qualifications that you will have to meet. Don’t worry if you don’t meet all of them; it just means that you’re supremely inadequate. Good luck!

¨ First impressions are everything. How you look is damned important, but so is how you act. I will not tolerate any of the following:

o Scrunchies.

o Clothes that are ill-fitting. If you can’t fit into your skinny jeans, please don’t wear them; no one wants to see your muffin top. Or your ass crack. And please throw away any shirt so tight that I can see the definition of any roll of fat you might have. I’m not asking you to be a waif, I’m just asking that you please not wear clothes that don’t fit you. If they once fit you and you’re holding out hope, put them in the closet and get back on the treadmill. Thank you.

o Exposed midriffs. (Exception: if we are at the beach and you are wearing a bikini).

o Bad posture.

o Acting like a complete bitch.

o Bad grammar.

¨ If you pass the First Impression test (and if you don’t, try not to take it too personally; not many girls do) you will then continue to be judged until I decide that I Like You. This could happen in just a few minutes, or it could take a few weeks before I decide that I Like You completely. If it hasn’t happened after a few meetings, it’s doubtful that it’s ever going to happen; there’s something about you that Just Isn’t To Be Trusted. Again, don’t take it personally, I just have my good friend’s best interests at heart, and you aren’t a part of them.

¨ Things you will have to know about to pass my test:

o Sports. You don’t have to be a sports expert, but you can’t walk in with absolutely no sports knowledge and expect to leave with my friend Flenker on your arm. Basic knowledge of baseball, basketball, and football is a must. However, DON’T act like you know everything about sports if you don’t. Ask questions.

o One of my guilty pleasures is partaking in a little bit of celebrity gossip from time to time. However, do not mention the following:

§ Jessica Alba/Jessica Biel. I just don’t care.

§ Jennifer Love Hewitt.

§ Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Hillary Duff. I don’t care if Lindsay is doing coke and Paris is going to jail. I don’t care that Lindsay and Hillary are friends again (the only reason I know this is that it was a CNN headline – seriously).

o Politics. If you’ve made it to the H screening this means that you’re past the Initial Flenker Screen and are a confirmed liberal (or at the very least, moderate). Again, I’m not asking you to be an expert, but you should be able to hold your own in a political discussion should the topic arise.

¨ In the name of all that is good and holy, please, don’t be an idiot. If I can’t carry on an intelligent conversation with you, it’s all over. While I might be random (always), mindless (sometimes), and rambling (often), I do like to think that I am a person of a fairly high level of intellect.

¨ On the other hand, no one likes a Know-it-All.

¨ Don’t talk about math. I hate math. I suck at math. Don’t make fun of me when we’re at a restaurant and the check comes and I take out my phone to use the “EZ Tip Calculator.”

¨ You can’t be too self-involved.

¨ High-maintenance is also a no-no. I like to primp and preen as much as the next girl, but I also don’t like to wait for three hours waiting for someone to “find an outfit” or “put on makeup” or “get ready” to go to the bar.

¨ Tequila drinkers get bonus points. I like a girl I can throw back a shot with.

¨ If you have a stupid name or spell it in a stupid way, it’s going to take a lot for me to overcome that. You’re going to have to be damn special to overlook the fact that your name is “Realitee.” (Note: I actually have encountered a person with that name, spelled that way.) I realize that you can’t help it that your parents were idiots, and I apologize for your lineage and wish Flenker the best of luck with your family. If you make it that far.

Good luck!